39 things I wish I'd learned sooner

And a P.S. to whales (because honestly, is any post ever complete without whales?)

Apr 02, 2025

I’ve spent years coaching, listening, and helping people untangle their lives—yet so much of my own growth came from hard-won realisations I wish I’d learned earlier. The things I wish I’d had a version of “me” in my life to help me absorb, understand and enact. These aren’t universal truths, nor exhaustive, but they’re mine. Which ones land for you? What would you add? I’d love to know.

(By the way, this list grew to 39—apparently, my inner critic had a lot to say. See points 10–12.)

On Being Yourself

Live your own life, not other people's. Keep hold of yourself and your opinions.
You are unique, and the world needs your gifts. Pay attention to what sparks your interest—it's a clue.
High sensitivity is a gift, not a flaw.
Invest in knowing yourself—your patterns, blind spots, shadows, and what makes you come alive. This is the work of a meaningful life.
Your emotions matter. Get to know them. Self-reflection is the gateway to growth.
Appreciate humility and honesty when they show up—in yourself and others.

On Slowing Down

Slow. Pause. Breathe. Be. This is a tiny act of kindness that lets you just be you and will help you to ground and calm.

Cultivate a practice of slowing down—in a chaotic world, it creates space for wisdom, courage, depth, and intentional action.

On Your Inner Critic

Get to recognise your inner critic's voice. It's harsh because it's trying (clumsily) to protect you—by keeping you small and safe.

Your inner critic is sneaky. It knows every trick, every loophole, every corner of your mind.
Stop excessively diminishing your emotions and thoughts—learn to nurture a compassionate self.

On Healing & Grief

Grief is awful, but essential—it's the gateway to transformation, self-awareness, and compassion.

Learn about unacknowledged or disenfranchised grief—it's as valid as the accepted kind.
You are not an island. We need others to heal—one person is enough, but none won't work.
Shame, at its core, is just an innocent emotion—part of being human.
If you don't deal with childhood wounds, you'll spend your life thinking something's wrong with you.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. You have to tend to them.

On People

We all need good mirrors to see who we really are. So, find people who get you. Not everyone will—including family—and that has to become okay.

People come and go—for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We may not know which until it unfolds.
Generally, know that what people say & do, is about their vulnerablities. It’s projection.
Validation and encouragement are essential nourishment—we all need at least one steady channel of being seen and held in our truth.
Your mind doesn't exist only in your head. Vibes are real.
People can be intellectually and socially brilliant but emotionally stunted.
Everybody has their own problems even though they might look great from the outside.

On Strength & Softness

Gentleness & softness are radically underrated. Like water in a stream on rocks... the water will always prevail in the end.

Love is an unwavering commitment to understanding and care.
Just trying harder isn't always the answer. The system matters.
Mission critical: Learn to disappoint others, hold your own views, and know that conflict can be helpful.

On Courage & Action

Ask. For. Help.

Openness is a superpower. So is curiosity. Ask different questions of yourself, not just the obvious. Keep going. Go deep. Get help with this.
Be vulnerable and ask for softness and offer the same.
Take risks, do things—especially when you're afraid. You'll make mistakes but that's better than never trying.
Listen, but don't overvalue others' truths. You have a right to your own.
Learn about things that are hard, like money and power.

On Boundaries & Selfhood

People may not be who you think they are and things may not be what you think. (That’s not necessarily a bad thing—we all see differently). Pay attention and be careful with your heart and trust.

It's not selfish to look after yourself. Own your needs. You care enough already. Sketch your boundaries.

On Hope

Free will probably doesn't exist—yes, really… it’s not turtles all the way down—but human intuition and creativity have infinite power. We can solve the biggest problems. (Read David Deutsch).

Take a genuine interest in good people doing great things. It'll humble and inspire you. (E.g. Some people I follow at the moment include: Rutger Bregman; Gary Stevenson; Maureen Murdoch, and I’m aware I need more women in my list… and it occurs to me, as I am writing this now, that the women I think of first are not those with big followings, but are incredibly meaningful and more personal to me and where I have learned so much… my beautiful daughter, my incredible clients, wonderful friends, coaches and colleagues). Dear reader, I would love to hear, who would you add here?
Find awe daily—in nature, art, or the miraculous human brain. We live in an incredible world. (E.g. kiwis in the wild, how quietly elephants walk in real life, little blue penguins rushing in herds back home after a day’s fishing, glowworms lighting a quiet river bush trail at night like fairy lights, a beautiful poem, a whale’s song, the stars, an ever-diligent wee bumblebee who’s only ever 30 minutes from starvation/dehydration or exhaustion, mountain gorillas, a community of trees that communicate through underground networks, and the fact that your brain—and everyone else’s—has more connections that 5000 Milky Way Galaxies).

P.S. Okay, maybe I cheated with extra points (inner critic or my enthusiasm—who knows?). Either way:

Read Mark Twain—funny, wise, and life-changing.
SWIM WITH WHALES. I listened to my own voice on this last year—hearing them sing underwater, feeling their presence... I was so surprised to notice how slowly they moved, as I swam alongside, with goosebumps… it was incredible. I could easily keep up, even with the adolescent male we were fortunate to accompany that day, one of several, by the way, including mums with calves. Just so graceful, so playful, so smart. Nature is the greatest teacher.